Who's Driving?

Photo taken of me driving by my son, Kekoa, when he was two-years old.
My name is Michelle. I became a full-time mom in October 2015, to my son, Kekoa. Before Kekoa, motherhood was a role that I surrogately fulfilled with a focus on blending the lines that separate genetic commitment from natural selection. Growing a human was a road that I did not intend to take, paved with uncertainty, excitement, and fear, as is common for most women who are now responsible for keeping another human alive, happy, and healthy. 

The one theme that kept revealing itself to me within my fears was this notion of "losing myself." I had been pursuing a degree in Geology and already began my career in this field as a Soils Technician for a geological firm. I loved this field; for the first time in my life I did not consider what I was doing to be a job, it was a passion that I was getting paid for. I went on a mandatory medical leave at 8 months, and was due to return 6 weeks after my son was born.

That month alone with him, in the silence of the afternoons, exposed a path that was almost small enough to go unnoticed, and most likely would've had I still been working on construction sites. The day my son was born, I instinctively turned down that small path with a purpose-driven intention. 

I never returned to the field; some would say that I lost myself, and I would agree with them. I did lose myself, the me that I once was before my son. I no longer fit into the old me, and I'm not talking about jean size, although I didn't fit into those either. I had just experienced bringing another life through me; it was going to take me more than 6 weeks to adjust. I stared at this vulnerable bundle of light and in that instant he taught me that there was more meaning in life than to it; and that the adjustment was not just a shift in perspective, but an actual paradigm shift.

The decision to not return to the field of geology, led me to one of the largest intersections of my life - accepting the loss of my old self, and defining what that now meant to me, for us. I was blessed with the role of becoming responsible for leading Kekoa to his own road, which will lead him to his own future self. I have found that I only needed to provide the fuel for Kekoa's drive to learn and he does the rest on his own. His wonderment collects knowledge through experiencing the world around him, and discovering which paths are his to explore on his own. I teach him how to observe the world around him, recognize the Road Signs To Life, and allow him the freedom to interpret them on his own, through cause and effect, and trial and error. 
As arduously wonderful as the complex role of a full-time homeschooling/ roadschooling mom has been, I have had my own lessons. I, also, need to observe the Road Signs To Life, and know when it's time to turn down a new road. With Kekoa as my Navigator, he is always watching me, always listening (indirectly, of course), and always learning by the examples that I live and lead by; we Share The Gravel of the road. This new road is about giving myself permission to dream and setting life goals in order to achieve those dreams. After all, how will I be able to teach Kekoa about creating his own Life, if I don't do it first for myself?